Patient-1996
Class: Chuddy
 | |
| ID: | 1996 |
| Name: | ██████ Cow |
| Threat level: | Moderate |
| Filed: | Feb 9 2024 |
| By: | SprokemowerMan |
Description[edit | edit source]
Patient-1996 is a Brown Guernsey Cow.
Containment Procedure[edit | edit source]
Xe is contained in a 3 kilometer by 3 kilometer grass field, which is secured with white-painted oak fences. Outside the fenced perimeter, artificial trees give a greater illusion of space. Speakers playing Pink Floyd's album, Atom Heart [REDACTED], are hidden within the artificial forest. A special skybox (5 km x 5km x 3km) surrounds the area. It is constructed from glass, and sealed with an overlaying film. An artificial light is hoisted onto a crane to simulate the sun. Natural light is sufficiently dim to simulate the moon and the night.
Every 2 weeks, a randomly selected intern WILL enter the facility. They WILL dress in a rancher's outfit, and they WILL wear noise-canceling headphones. They WILL restock the hopper with bugfeed. They WILL check the pond. They WILL drop the meds in the pond. They WILL note everything they see. They WILL maintain distance of at least 6 feet from Patient-1996. Most importantly, they WILL take the booster after they've finished the entire procedure.
Addendum[edit | edit source]
In a village in England, local police heard reports about an invisible chud shouting hate speech at the populace. Local police were dispatched, but the situation quickly grew out of control. The Asoylum Foundation was contacted about this "invisible chud"
Team Foxtrot-13 "Cobblestone" arrived on the scene at 1532. The following is an audio log, transcribed from Captain Nojak's radio.
Audio Log[edit | edit source]
Overlord-Soylent: Check.
Cpt. Nojak: Check.
Overlord-Soylent: All systems are good. Proceed to the checkpoint.
[15:36 The team reaches Site Omega]
Cpl. Soyfeld: Did you guys hear that?
Cpl. Frausoy: Negative.
Cpt. Nojak: Weapons ready!
[Indistinct noises]
Cpl. Frausoy: Did he jus- That can't be- I don't think a Chud sounds like that.
Patient-1996: ██████.
Cpl. Frausoy: Who said that?
Cpl. Soyfeld: Show yourself, coward!
Patient-1996: ██████.
[Patient-1996 repeats this phrase for Ϫ minutes]
Cpl. Soyfeld: Where. Is! THE NOISE! COMING FROM?
Pvt. Soys: I can't take it anymore!
[Gunshot]
Cpl. Soyfeld: Heck.
Cpt. Nojak: Overlord-Soylent, this is Foxtrot 13-1. We got a self-inflicted casualty.
Overlord-Soylent: Flush out the street.
Cpt. Nojak: Soyfeld! Deploy smokes! Team, fall back!
Patient-1996: ██████. ██████.
Cpl. Frausoy: Fuck it.
[Automatic gunfire]
Cpt. Nojak: Hold your fire!
Patient-1996: ██████.
Patient-1996-1: Cracker.
[Hooves stomping the ground]
Cpt. Nojak: Wait a minute… is that cow sentient?
Cpt. Nojak: Overlord-Soylent, requesting a cargo truck.
Overlord-Soylent: Granted.
[END OF AUDIO LOG]
